Fellow Toastmasters, I know all of you have heard the old saying,” You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.
I have heard this many times in a bad way like letting go of someone you love and you end up realizing how important the person when his gone. However, only in the movie FROZEN, I have learned the importance of letting go in a positive note, “ which I interpret this way, you will know what you have until when you set it free.
In my long distance married life, I am just like Elsa. I have a special ability to turn our marriage into ice from my finger tips, but this comes back to hunt me now. After our wedding bells and honeymoon fights, my husband decided to go back to Australia to work. Thinking that we have less chance of happiness, I let him go leaving him with hurtful words. Later after he left, I realized, I was frozen with my insecurities.
Let me take you back on the time when we were together. Again, every time, I saw him cuddling kids, it felt like it torned me apart. I had injected self-pity because I couldn’t give him one. Bringing that fear inside of me the freezing and freaking worrisome idea, that one day, I could lose this man I love. Because of this, I gave him cold shoulders. Also, having that difficulty communicating my fear with him, still I was bringing those nightmare and insecurities screaming in my head.
Until May 2013 came, I noticed his cold behavior. Am I just paranoid? Or just my insecurities brought me to the truth – he doesn’t love me at all. He seemed unexcited with our conversation and he wasn’t that interested to talk with me. So, I decided to check and spy him on FB. Then, what have I done? I just hurt myself. I was drowning in tears while reading their conversation. It ripped me apart. I felt so cold and I was shaking in rage and anger because I couldn’t do any thing. I am here and he is there. The anger and sadness surged through me. I get frozen the more and I turned the ice and snow into monster inside of me. I tried my best to melt down the pain but, I can’t still let go of the past even I know I have forgiven him.
After I learn the truth of the painful lies, the storm rage on in our Bali Trip. When he left his phone, I was tempted to check.After that, I was shaking that I almost dropped the phone from my hand after I read,” thank you for the valentines gift.” You are so sweet.” I just cried and tears fell on my checks. While he said, “I don’t want to lose you , let’s not ruin our trip.”
You know when I am being frozen of the pain of my past even and how much I tried not to lose him. unconsciously, I am pushing him away because I am not her.It will never get easier for me and every little things reminds me of what he did and what I can’t give. After I told him not to call me any endearment because that’s how he called her, he replied …
Can’t get over? We have no future. This was before you. But anyway, I am not a saint but I tried to make up for my mistakes but you know you left me with no choice. Thank you for hounding and pushing me of the edge. If this was your goal ! You succeeded! How can I go on, when the one person I want to go on with is gone?
But this is what I mean by “you never know what you have until its gone” he’s gone, and I will forever miss him. If only I was never frozen from my past and I only wish that I could go back in time and change everything to make it better, to make it right! I can only wish…. Right? I was just like Elsa- lock in the castle of my pride and insecurities. It devastates me. I should have let them go and forgive him for real.
Lesson learned: If I let go the pain, I would have him. Since I let the pain freeze me, I lost him.